Timmy's Doo-Doo Blog

For Old-Time's Sake

2007-04-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

[The Doo-Doo Blog is not returning. This is a one-off deal. Enjoy (or have taste: your pick).]
This morning I took a dump that I'll never forget. I was walking toward the bathroom, ready to drop the Cosby kids off at the pool, when I realized that the Cosby kids were trying to hop out of the car before we even made it to the pool's parking lot. I had to straight-up sprint to the bathroom (on-lookers: several).
As soon as my honky-ass hit the toilet seat, I let out a fart that (all hyperbole aside) made me gag. The damned thing lasted at least 8 or 9 seconds. The smell was fucking awful.
What followed after that was a series of the kind of noises and squirts that is the stuff of legends in elementary schools. There was a steady stream of liquid feces shooting like a geyser out of my butt. It was brutal.
The weird thing was that i had absolutely no warning. I was expecting a nice, quiet Number 2, and ended up with a cheek-flapping experience that I won't soon forget.

The End Of The Doo-Doo Blog

2006-06-05T11:15:00.000-07:00

As much as I enjoy publicly detailing my bowel movements in this blog, I've decided to end it. If I crap out a wolverine or kill someone with a fart I'll probably post something about it here, but - barring any extraordinary dumps - this is the last and final post.
Hope you've enjoyed it and haven't puked too much,
Timmy

So Much Hype...

2006-05-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

The visit to Pancho's buffet didn't quite have the results that I anticipated. I've been a bit backed-up lately, and I figured that some Mexican food would be just the thing to un-cork my bowels, but it didn't really have any discernible effect on my toilet habits.
I'm pretty much back to 'regularity', but the Mexican buffet failed to leave its mark (on the back of the toilet bowl).

Pancho's Poo

2006-05-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving in a few minutes to go to a local Pancho's Mexican Buffet for lunch. This should be fun.
I'll try and post the sure-to-be-messy results later this weekend.

One Jagged Son Of A Bitch

2006-05-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

I crapped out one jagged mother-trucker this morning. The damned thing wasn't really that big, but - judging by the way in felt - it made up for its lack of girth by shredding my bowels like scatological barbed-wire.
I guess I must've made myself a peanut butter and glass shard sandwich last night while sleepwalking...
Damn.

The Return Of The Return Of The Master Blaster

2006-05-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

This morning's dump was a classic "Master Blaster". Pushing...pushing...and then - POW! - I pop a hot, smelly dook out. The stench was an 8 1/2 on a scale of 1 to 10. There was a slight burning sensation afterwards, and I think that it had something to do with the hot sauce that I'd put on my taquitos the night before.

Jumpin' Jehosephat!

2006-04-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, I was entering the bathroom here at work to take care of some business, when another guy (not recognized) rushed past me on his way out of the crapper. He seemed to be in quite a rush, and I was wondering exactly why he was in such a - OH.MY.GOD.WHAT.IN.THE.HELL.IS.THAT.SMELL?
Suddenly everything became clear. He was trying to escape the stench of his own ass.
And what a stench it was...
I don't know what homeboy had for dinner last night, but it stank like you wouldn't believe on the way out.
I gagged and covered my nose with my shirt (which I've since burned) and quickly left the now-quarantined restroom.
In complete seriousness - I've never sniffed such an awful smell in my entire life. No exaggerations.

Nothin' Dookin'

2006-04-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

...nothing new to report...I'm kind of backed-up right now, but y'all will be the first to know when that changes...

The Perfect Dook

2006-04-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know about y'all, but I have a favorite type of dump. Believe it or not, my favorite type is the not-really-that-smelly, low-butthole-maintenance, super-solid type. This morning I got to take such a dump. It was beautiful - a big fat chunk of crap that came out quickly and cleanly (no need to even wipe). If only every dump could be this good...
Rating: G

Drained

2006-04-04T09:55:00.000-07:00

I'm having trouble mustering up the energy to even write this post. I the year-and-a-half since I began this blog, I have never - and I mean never - crapped out a log as large as the one that exploded out of my butt this morning.
My body-weight dropped by at least 5 pounds.
I'm not kidding, and I have absolutely no idea what I ate yesterday that could have precipitated this.
Seriously...

My Ass Has Been Itching For Days Now

2006-03-30T12:34:00.000-08:00

I don't know what the deal is, but my ass has been itching for days now. There really isn't much more to say...
I'll update later this week (or not).
[spare me your homo butt-disease jokes - my butthole is 100% hetero]

Dump Update

2006-03-24T08:18:00.000-08:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah...
It's been awhile since I last gave y'all an update on my scatological misadventures, but that's not because I haven't been taking some insane dumps - it's because I've been taking too many insane dumps to have time to even write about them.
This morning I took an 'iceberg' dump: one of this dumps that is so large that it sticks out above the water a little. I thought about taking a picture of it, but then I remembered that I'm poor and I can't afford a digital camera, so y'all will just have to use your imaginations...
Rating: PG-13

Something's In The Air, But It's Not Love...

2006-03-10T11:27:00.000-08:00

Last night while I was entertaining a (non-inflatable) lady-friend with (non-bathroom related) stories about my brief stint as a South American communist dictator, I somehow managed to fart continuously for an hour and a half. I'm not sure if she noticed or not because the farts weren't especially smelly, but I was droppin' some serious friggin' bombs.
I knew that this morning's dump(s) would be hellacious, but I seriously underestimated exactly how hellacious they would be. I let loose a two-foot python in the stall here at work that has the entire staff here talking (in between gasps for breath). I guess we'll have to wait and see if the aforementioned girl noticed that some asshole was talkin' shit behind my back all last night...

A PG Dump

2006-03-03T08:34:00.000-08:00

This morning's dumps get a PG rating. The first just consisted of a few small nuggets. The second was a couple of solid logs. The third was a Master Blaster, but nothing to get all PG-13 over, so I'm going with a solid PG rating.
I plan to visit my favorite Baja-Mexican dive this weekend, so prepare yourself for some NC-17 tales...

The Rating System

2006-02-21T07:23:00.000-08:00

I've decided that I'm going to start applying the MPAA rating system to my dumps, just to give y'all a better idea of what's going on.
Yesterday, I ate six or seven times, so I expected to be bustin' at the seems this morning. But - for some reason - after two hours and two cups of coffee, I still haven't given tithe to the porcelain goddess.
But this I can promise: when it does come, it'll be PG-13 or worse...

In Honor Of St. Valentine's Day...

2006-02-14T09:56:00.000-08:00

...I'll spare y'all the details of this morning's dump.

Shit Me Baby One More Time

2006-02-09T10:12:00.000-08:00

Last night I tried four times to dislodge a chunk of dook stuck at the cusp of freedom. The guy just wouldn't budge.
This morning: same story. Until...
I figured a couple cups of coffee and a 7-11 breakfast sandwich would do the trick, and (as always) the culinary engineers at 7-11 headquarters didn't let me down with their sausage/egg/cheese biscuit laxative.
Never fails...

Hello, Guinness Book Of World Records...

2006-02-01T11:44:00.000-08:00

How is it possible for someone to crap out logs that are (all hyperboles aside) 1/20th of his/her body-weight? "Impossible", you say...
I thought so too.
But this morning, I took a dump so massive that I wondered if a small(?) chipmunk had somehow made its way into my bowels while I was asleep. I mean - this thing was one mean bastard.
The water-cooler will never be the same...

Crapped My F'ing Pants

2006-01-26T14:17:00.000-08:00

Yeah, earlier this week I was rushing out the door (after 4 cups of coffee) when I stopped to fart, and ended up crapping myself. Fortunately, the mess stayed between my butt cheeks and didn't stain my boxers.
I guess I need to stick to 2 cups in the morning...

Regularity And The 'Spice Of Life'

2006-01-18T12:59:00.000-08:00

I haven't really taken any eventful dumps lately. I've also be extremely regular.
Other than eating a lot of spicy Mexican food (which always results in 'fire dumps'), I haven't been too adventurous as far as eating is concerned lately either.
I'll change my ways soon, if only to make this blog more interesting.

Coffee: The Bane Of My Bowels

2006-01-11T08:44:00.000-08:00

For years I wouldn't touch a caffeinated beverage. I just didn't believe in them.
No - it's not that I didn't believe in using them - I didn't believe that they existed. But ventures out into 'the real world' have shown me otherwise, so I now have a cup of coffee every morning (Maxwell House French Roast, no sugar, no cream).
For those of you who don't know, coffee is a mild laxative...and by 'mild laxative' I mean 'badooka bazooka-loading turbo laxative'. It usually takes about 15 minutes before I'm enrolled in Timmy's Quick Weight-Loss Program.
This morning was no exception.
I crapped out a log the size of a Buick, and with a quickness that would blow the friggin' minds of relativistic physicists everywhere. The odd thing is that this ritual has become so commonplace that I'm concerned that I might be getting a bit jaded.
Anyway, I'll keep y'all updated...

Good Morning! Dump

2006-01-03T08:50:00.000-08:00

This morning was brutal. I woke up to one of those need-to-sprint-to-the-toilet feelings, and ended up taking four hellacious dumps. I mean these were some serious bowel movements.
The last one resembled tobacco juice, and burned like a welding-torch on my butthole.
I have no idea what could have possibly brought this on...

Your #1 Source For #2 News

2005-12-16T09:43:00.000-08:00

I'll be takin' some time off (blogging, not crapping) to get some much-needed rest. In the meantime, check out this gem that I found on the 'net.

Holy Crap

2005-12-12T09:29:00.000-08:00

I wasn't sure if I was going to survive this morning's Wake-Up Dump. The Big Guy ripped through my bowels like a runaway freight train. I'd eaten some spicy TexMex the night before, so there was also a burning sensation involved...
I started to black out, and I'm pretty sure that I saw angels and that kid who died from an Elmer's Glue-overdose in the 2nd grade. But just when I thought that I wouldn't survive the ordeal, it ended.
I sat there on the commode, panting...
...just happy to still be alive.

Poo Haiku

2005-12-01T08:12:00.000-08:00

burning sensation
a flood of pure nastiness
death in the next stall
[for some even more awesomer poetry, check out Demetri Martin]