Timmy's Doo-Doo Blog

For Old-Time's Sake

2007-04-16T10:58:00.000-07:00

[The Doo-Doo Blog is not returning. This is a one-off deal. Enjoy (or have taste: your pick).]
This morning I took a dump that I'll never forget. I was walking toward the bathroom, ready to drop the Cosby kids off at the pool, when I realized that the Cosby kids were trying to hop out of the car before we even made it to the pool's parking lot. I had to straight-up sprint to the bathroom (on-lookers: several).
As soon as my honky-ass hit the toilet seat, I let out a fart that (all hyperbole aside) made me gag. The damned thing lasted at least 8 or 9 seconds. The smell was fucking awful.
What followed after that was a series of the kind of noises and squirts that is the stuff of legends in elementary schools. There was a steady stream of liquid feces shooting like a geyser out of my butt. It was brutal.
The weird thing was that i had absolutely no warning. I was expecting a nice, quiet Number 2, and ended up with a cheek-flapping experience that I won't soon forget.

The End Of The Doo-Doo Blog

2006-06-05T11:15:00.000-07:00

As much as I enjoy publicly detailing my bowel movements in this blog, I've decided to end it. If I crap out a wolverine or kill someone with a fart I'll probably post something about it here, but - barring any extraordinary dumps - this is the last and final post.
Hope you've enjoyed it and haven't puked too much,
Timmy

So Much Hype...

2006-05-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

The visit to Pancho's buffet didn't quite have the results that I anticipated. I've been a bit backed-up lately, and I figured that some Mexican food would be just the thing to un-cork my bowels, but it didn't really have any discernible effect on my toilet habits.
I'm pretty much back to 'regularity', but the Mexican buffet failed to leave its mark (on the back of the toilet bowl).

Pancho's Poo

2006-05-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving in a few minutes to go to a local Pancho's Mexican Buffet for lunch. This should be fun.
I'll try and post the sure-to-be-messy results later this weekend.

One Jagged Son Of A Bitch

2006-05-19T09:35:00.000-07:00

I crapped out one jagged mother-trucker this morning. The damned thing wasn't really that big, but - judging by the way in felt - it made up for its lack of girth by shredding my bowels like scatological barbed-wire.
I guess I must've made myself a peanut butter and glass shard sandwich last night while sleepwalking...
Damn.

The Return Of The Return Of The Master Blaster

2006-05-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

This morning's dump was a classic "Master Blaster". Pushing...pushing...and then - POW! - I pop a hot, smelly dook out. The stench was an 8 1/2 on a scale of 1 to 10. There was a slight burning sensation afterwards, and I think that it had something to do with the hot sauce that I'd put on my taquitos the night before.

Jumpin' Jehosephat!

2006-04-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, I was entering the bathroom here at work to take care of some business, when another guy (not recognized) rushed past me on his way out of the crapper. He seemed to be in quite a rush, and I was wondering exactly why he was in such a - OH.MY.GOD.WHAT.IN.THE.HELL.IS.THAT.SMELL?
Suddenly everything became clear. He was trying to escape the stench of his own ass.
And what a stench it was...
I don't know what homeboy had for dinner last night, but it stank like you wouldn't believe on the way out.
I gagged and covered my nose with my shirt (which I've since burned) and quickly left the now-quarantined restroom.
In complete seriousness - I've never sniffed such an awful smell in my entire life. No exaggerations.

Nothin' Dookin'

2006-04-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

...nothing new to report...I'm kind of backed-up right now, but y'all will be the first to know when that changes...

The Perfect Dook

2006-04-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know about y'all, but I have a favorite type of dump. Believe it or not, my favorite type is the not-really-that-smelly, low-butthole-maintenance, super-solid type. This morning I got to take such a dump. It was beautiful - a big fat chunk of crap that came out quickly and cleanly (no need to even wipe). If only every dump could be this good...
Rating: G

Drained

2006-04-04T09:55:00.000-07:00

I'm having trouble mustering up the energy to even write this post. I the year-and-a-half since I began this blog, I have never - and I mean never - crapped out a log as large as the one that exploded out of my butt this morning.
My body-weight dropped by at least 5 pounds.
I'm not kidding, and I have absolutely no idea what I ate yesterday that could have precipitated this.
Seriously...

My Ass Has Been Itching For Days Now

2006-03-30T12:34:00.000-08:00

I don't know what the deal is, but my ass has been itching for days now. There really isn't much more to say...
I'll update later this week (or not).
[spare me your homo butt-disease jokes - my butthole is 100% hetero]

Dump Update

2006-03-24T08:18:00.000-08:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah...
It's been awhile since I last gave y'all an update on my scatological misadventures, but that's not because I haven't been taking some insane dumps - it's because I've been taking too many insane dumps to have time to even write about them.
This morning I took an 'iceberg' dump: one of this dumps that is so large that it sticks out above the water a little. I thought about taking a picture of it, but then I remembered that I'm poor and I can't afford a digital camera, so y'all will just have to use your imaginations...
Rating: PG-13

Something's In The Air, But It's Not Love...

2006-03-10T11:27:00.000-08:00

Last night while I was entertaining a (non-inflatable) lady-friend with (non-bathroom related) stories about my brief stint as a South American communist dictator, I somehow managed to fart continuously for an hour and a half. I'm not sure if she noticed or not because the farts weren't especially smelly, but I was droppin' some serious friggin' bombs.
I knew that this morning's dump(s) would be hellacious, but I seriously underestimated exactly how hellacious they would be. I let loose a two-foot python in the stall here at work that has the entire staff here talking (in between gasps for breath). I guess we'll have to wait and see if the aforementioned girl noticed that some asshole was talkin' shit behind my back all last night...

A PG Dump

2006-03-03T08:34:00.000-08:00

This morning's dumps get a PG rating. The first just consisted of a few small nuggets. The second was a couple of solid logs. The third was a Master Blaster, but nothing to get all PG-13 over, so I'm going with a solid PG rating.
I plan to visit my favorite Baja-Mexican dive this weekend, so prepare yourself for some NC-17 tales...

The Rating System

2006-02-21T07:23:00.000-08:00

I've decided that I'm going to start applying the MPAA rating system to my dumps, just to give y'all a better idea of what's going on.
Yesterday, I ate six or seven times, so I expected to be bustin' at the seems this morning. But - for some reason - after two hours and two cups of coffee, I still haven't given tithe to the porcelain goddess.
But this I can promise: when it does come, it'll be PG-13 or worse...

In Honor Of St. Valentine's Day...

2006-02-14T09:56:00.000-08:00

...I'll spare y'all the details of this morning's dump.

Shit Me Baby One More Time

2006-02-09T10:12:00.000-08:00

Last night I tried four times to dislodge a chunk of dook stuck at the cusp of freedom. The guy just wouldn't budge.
This morning: same story. Until...
I figured a couple cups of coffee and a 7-11 breakfast sandwich would do the trick, and (as always) the culinary engineers at 7-11 headquarters didn't let me down with their sausage/egg/cheese biscuit laxative.
Never fails...

Hello, Guinness Book Of World Records...

2006-02-01T11:44:00.000-08:00

How is it possible for someone to crap out logs that are (all hyperboles aside) 1/20th of his/her body-weight? "Impossible", you say...
I thought so too.
But this morning, I took a dump so massive that I wondered if a small(?) chipmunk had somehow made its way into my bowels while I was asleep. I mean - this thing was one mean bastard.
The water-cooler will never be the same...

Crapped My F'ing Pants

2006-01-26T14:17:00.000-08:00

Yeah, earlier this week I was rushing out the door (after 4 cups of coffee) when I stopped to fart, and ended up crapping myself. Fortunately, the mess stayed between my butt cheeks and didn't stain my boxers.
I guess I need to stick to 2 cups in the morning...

Regularity And The 'Spice Of Life'

2006-01-18T12:59:00.000-08:00

I haven't really taken any eventful dumps lately. I've also be extremely regular.
Other than eating a lot of spicy Mexican food (which always results in 'fire dumps'), I haven't been too adventurous as far as eating is concerned lately either.
I'll change my ways soon, if only to make this blog more interesting.

Coffee: The Bane Of My Bowels

2006-01-11T08:44:00.000-08:00

For years I wouldn't touch a caffeinated beverage. I just didn't believe in them.
No - it's not that I didn't believe in using them - I didn't believe that they existed. But ventures out into 'the real world' have shown me otherwise, so I now have a cup of coffee every morning (Maxwell House French Roast, no sugar, no cream).
For those of you who don't know, coffee is a mild laxative...and by 'mild laxative' I mean 'badooka bazooka-loading turbo laxative'. It usually takes about 15 minutes before I'm enrolled in Timmy's Quick Weight-Loss Program.
This morning was no exception.
I crapped out a log the size of a Buick, and with a quickness that would blow the friggin' minds of relativistic physicists everywhere. The odd thing is that this ritual has become so commonplace that I'm concerned that I might be getting a bit jaded.
Anyway, I'll keep y'all updated...

Good Morning! Dump

2006-01-03T08:50:00.000-08:00

This morning was brutal. I woke up to one of those need-to-sprint-to-the-toilet feelings, and ended up taking four hellacious dumps. I mean these were some serious bowel movements.
The last one resembled tobacco juice, and burned like a welding-torch on my butthole.
I have no idea what could have possibly brought this on...

Your #1 Source For #2 News

2005-12-16T09:43:00.000-08:00

I'll be takin' some time off (blogging, not crapping) to get some much-needed rest. In the meantime, check out this gem that I found on the 'net.

Holy Crap

2005-12-12T09:29:00.000-08:00

I wasn't sure if I was going to survive this morning's Wake-Up Dump. The Big Guy ripped through my bowels like a runaway freight train. I'd eaten some spicy TexMex the night before, so there was also a burning sensation involved...
I started to black out, and I'm pretty sure that I saw angels and that kid who died from an Elmer's Glue-overdose in the 2nd grade. But just when I thought that I wouldn't survive the ordeal, it ended.
I sat there on the commode, panting...
...just happy to still be alive.

Poo Haiku

2005-12-01T08:12:00.000-08:00

burning sensation
a flood of pure nastiness
death in the next stall
[for some even more awesomer poetry, check out Demetri Martin]

Timmy's Doo-Doo Log

2005-11-29T08:02:00.000-08:00

This mama-jama was large and in charge. I mean it had some friggin' girth.
I knew it was on its way when I woke up Sunday morning, but I had no idea that it would arrive so violently or that so many tears would be shed during its birth.
Maybe it was build-up from all of the Thanksgiving-weekend gluttony, or maybe I've been sleep-walking down to Pancho's Mexican buffet at night, but whatever caused this beast to form in my bowels is an evil force indeed.

Post-Thanksgiving Adventures

2005-11-23T09:01:00.000-08:00

[I'll keep y'all posted]

T-R-O-U-B-L-E

2005-11-16T10:08:00.000-08:00

Well, it turns out that it wasn't just the toilet that was clogged on Friday; it was the pipe the drains away the waste water that was clogged. This is why the toilet decided to pull an Ol' Faithful when I tried to do laundry (there was a sea of crap and piss in the bathroom). So I spent the entire weekend (and the first half of this week) waiting on a plumber and running down to the gas station to take dumps.
I left some pretty nasty ones in that convenience store bathroom. I don't think that they were too thrilled that I "borrowed" the newest copy of Car Craft every time I went either...

Touche, Douchebag

2005-11-11T09:04:00.000-08:00

There was no dooking at my house this morning. My roommate had taken a massive dump that had the commode backed-up. Water, piss, and fecal matter everywhere...
Ugghh.
So I had to tear up the bathroom here at work. I usually don't bless my coworkers with the stench of my first-morning-dump, but today that got a rare treat.

The Chocolate Milk Incident

2005-11-08T10:26:00.000-08:00

I don't drink much milk these days. But the other day, I got a craving for some chocolate milk and headed to the grocery store to pick some up. After drinking the entire half-gallon in less than 30 minutes, I realized that I forgot to tell my stomach to expect company. This resulted in an upset stomach and some hellacious stink.
The next morning's dook were a testament to the somersaults that my stomach had done the night before. Nasty, nasty, nasty.
No mas chocolate leche.

I Crapped Out A Puzzle Piece

2005-11-01T10:18:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just can't figure out how in the heck a certain piece of poo formed in my bowels. Usually, my dook is shaped like your run-of-the-mill log, but sometimes I get a chunk of crap that resembles a piece of a jigsaw puzzle.
Such was this morning's dump.
It wasn't really jagged enough to cut up the ol' poop-shute, but it did leave me scratching my head (wondering how/why it formed like that). Why would my body decide to make a butt-nugget that resembled a mud-covered porcupine, when it could just have easily made one that would glide with ease through my bowels (i.e. a long, slender log)?
Answering this age-old question is one of science's greatest challenges.

Clogged

2005-10-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

...got about three days worth of recycled PB&J sandwiches waiting to be born into this world. I thought that a cup of coffee and a morning-jog might do(o) the trick, but nothing's crappenin' yet.
I'll keep y'all updated.

A Tale Of Two Shitties

2005-10-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

Usually, the first dump I take in the morning is thick and chunky, and the dumps that follow are more likely to be liquidy sludge. But today, things went in reverse order: the first dump was a watery mess, and the second dump was a nice, well-groomed log (about 4 inches in length, if you're wondering).
Why the switch-up?
I don't know, but this is the first time that I can recall such a thing ever happening.

Dookin' The Night Away

2005-10-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

I've crapped like 8 or 9 times since late last night. I don't know what the deal is, but I just can't stop. I'm not talking little girl-poops here, I'm talking man-dooks.
I've already had to give tithe to the porcelain goddess 3 times since I've been at work. My sinuses are kind of messed up right now, but I don't think they have anything to do with the poo-athon that my butthole has been experiencing in the last 12 hours. I have no idea what brought this on, but someone needs to market whatever it is as a weight-loss supplement.

The Gambler

2005-10-12T11:26:00.000-07:00

This morning I took a nasty liquid dump. It seemed to last forever and I'm pretty sure I had a couple of birthdays before I was brave enough to get off of the toilet.
After such a dump, your Average Joe would think twice before pushing out a fart. But not this seasoned veteran...
Let's just say that I had to make a u-turn on my way to work...

Peanut Butter = Butt Butter

2005-10-05T08:35:00.000-07:00

This morning I took a hellacious dump. When I got up to admire my work, I noticed that the splatter inside the toilet bowl had lots of peanuts in the mix. I guess the chunky peanut butter doesn't completely break down or something...
The poo was also a really bizarre color. If Simon & Garfunkel were a color, they'd be the color of this dump. Kind of a pastel brown...

Stanky Panky

2005-09-29T08:45:00.000-07:00

Tuesday evening was one of the most brutal days I've ever experienced, scatalogically-speaking. I took six or seven massive dumps composed entirely of liquid-nastiness.
One of them was taken inside a general store, and I had to use the stall with the stopped-up commode because some Mexican dude was making out with his girlfriend inside the working one. The damned thing was already about to overflow before I even sat down on it, and by the time I was done I was seriously concerned about the filth touching my butt cheeks. I could hear the couple whispering in the stall next to me as I made my getaway. I'll guarantee you that they weren't whispering sweet-nothings...they were probably just panting for fresh air.

I Think I Had My First Period

2005-09-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

It's a special time in a girl's life when she has her first period, but it's even more special for a guy. This morning's dook had to be forced. It was a jagged li'l bastard. And it was not friendly.
This resulted in a bloody butthole.
I went to my local pharmacy to purchase a few tampons, and the cashier looked at me a little funny. I guess that's because I was facing him and he couldn't see the blood-soaked seat of my pants.

Seven Things...

2005-09-14T10:38:00.000-07:00

People keep e-mailing me this "7 things..." list and whining about how I never reply or post the answers. Despite the fact that I abhor posts concerning my private life (bowel movements excluded), I've decided to finally give in.
Enjoy.
Seven things I can't live without:
1. toilet paper (and lots of it)
2. some good scat porn (to read on the crapper)
3. Mexican food (for when I need to do some "spring cleaning")
4. deodorizer and scented candles (actually, that's something you probably couldn't live without)
5. plumbing (I forgot to pay the water bill once, and - let's just say it wasn't pretty)
6. coffee, tobacco, and a good morning jog (to get things goin')
7. love

Seven random facts about me:
1. I've taken dumps on three different continents (toilets swirl the same way in both hemispheres)
2. I saw a dog poop the other day (and he didn't wipe)
3. I'm tired of trying to think of things to put on this list

Screw this...

My Stomach Is Wrecked

2005-09-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

There is a war raging in my belly. I do not feel right. I've been taking some insane dumps lately (sorry for the lack of updates), but I'd bet that they'll do little to prepare me for what's to come.
My stomach is so friggin' upset...
I've squatted a couple of times today, but neither of the butt-barfs were much to speak of.
The winds of change are a-blowin'...

Can't Make Poo

2005-09-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sicker than hell, and all I've had to eat for the last few days are a few Teddy Grahams, a Busch tall-boy, and a piece of pepperoni(?) that I found underneath my coffee table (yeah, I ate the Busch tall-boy rather than drinking it - I've been a bit delirious). So as you can imagine, I haven't exactly been crapping my brains out lately.
I know, I know...I'm disappointed too. I'll be sure to let y'all know when things change.

The Badooka Bazooka

2005-08-31T13:18:00.000-07:00

It was so fast that I almost missed it. This morning's dump took less than .2 seconds in its entirety. This thing was comin' out whether I wanted it to or not, and it came out so quickly and stealthily (I reserve the right to make up words) that I had to look in order to convince myself that I'd actually taken a dump.
Sure enough, there was a mound of dook at the bottom of the toilet bowl.
I christened it 'The Badooka Bazooka'.

Dehydration Dook

2005-08-25T10:17:00.000-07:00

Whenever I don't drink enough water, I end up puking out of my butthole the next morning. This morning, it puked four times. Then when I got to work, I felt it trying to vomit again, so I had to clench my butt cheeks real tight and waddle down the hall to the bathroom.
Once in the bathroom, I unleashed the watery waste and quickly made my exit. You don't want to get caught taking dumps like that.

Assplosion

2005-08-19T14:32:00.000-07:00

Thursday, I took the nastiest dump ever. 100% liquid.
I realize that I often brag about the nastiness of my bowel movements, but this was the real deal. The Nastiest Dump Ever.
It also happened to be one of the fastest.
I don't really know exactly what brought it on. I'd like to think that my body rid itself of years of impacted feces, but it could've just been the Taco Casa from the night before.

Crapping Sideways

2005-08-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

I swear to Gosh that I crapped out a log sideways earlier this morning. It hurt, and it was messy. Really, really messy.
I guess that it just managed to turn itself sideways as it traveled through my bowels. Maybe it just wanted to stay in a little longer.
I had to push and push to get that sucker out. There was much grunting, and maybe a little crying too. So rewarding...

Check Mate

2005-08-09T11:37:00.000-07:00

My dumps don't usually stink.
I don't know why, but they don't. You probably don't believe me, and I probably don't care.
Yesterday, I naively walked into the bathroom, unaware that the opening act (who happened to be female) had left a wake of death and destruction behind her.
It was bad.
I had always assumed that girls' poo smelled like roses and potpourri, not like burning dog hair. Evidently, this is not the case. Evidently, their butt-vomit has the potential to be even more heinous than their male counterparts'.
So what did I do?
I sat down, held my breath, and quietly whispered "check mate".
Never again.

Man, I Need To Take A Crizap

2005-08-03T09:27:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong, I'm not backed up. It's just that for the last few days I've been crapping like there's no tomorrow, and there's no end in sight.
I haven't been eating a whole lot, but I've been taking about three times the number of usual daily-dumps and I'm talkin' about some pretty massive craps here.
Why is this happening? No clue.
When will it stop? Dunno.
But I do know that it's definitely cutting into some important work I've got here at [place of employment]. Gotta go...

The Longest Yard

2005-07-29T11:23:00.000-07:00

Two and a half feet long.
I'm dead serious.
I just stared at it for a minute or two before I flushed, trying to figure out what I had eaten to create such a beast. Don't think that this guy was one of those skinny snakes either. No sir, this was one chunky monkey.
I'll never forget this day.

Blast Off!

2005-07-26T10:59:00.000-07:00

While most people are focusing their attention on the Discovery's blast-off today (that's a NASA space shuttle for you no-news-watching jackasses), there's about to be a much more impressive - not to mention explosive - blast-off here in a few minutes. I'm talking about a five-Taco-Bell-double-decker-taco explosion.
Any minute now...
I'll keep you updated as the story progresses.

Turdtastic Adventure

2005-07-20T09:19:00.000-07:00

About ten minutes ago, I made my pilgrimage to the bathroom. I use the same restroom here at work regularly, because it's kind of out-of-the-way, and the last thing I need is an audience when I'm doin' the doo.
To my surprise, some guy was there at a urinal when I entered. (He must've missed the memo.) I figured that he wouldn't be there too long, so I went ahead and squatted down in my usual stall.
*Waiting...waiting...waiting...*
What in the hell was taking this guy so long?
Finally, I hear a flush and then...nothing...
Until about three minutes later, when I finally hear the guy turn on the sink. All this time, I'm clenching my butt cheeks together, trying to cork The Angry Beast that's trying to force its way out of my butt.
*Silence*
Finally, I hear the guy drying his hands with a few paper towels, so I start waiting for the sound of the door to open so that I can unleash The Beast, but I never hear the door open.
Is this some kind of sick joke? What in the hell can this guy possibly be doing?
Finally - finally - I hear the door open, and I proceed to poop my brains out.
Bastard.

Guest Dooker

2005-07-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

[I don't normally feature guest dookers on this blog, but I couldn't resist posting this (insanely long-winded) gem that Luca Brazi sent me. You can check out his uber-neglected blog here.]
My first mistake was eating so much pasta the night before...
Such a large portion of food inevitably leads to an equally large
portion of dookie. So on the morn, my guts were feeling quite heavy.
The actually defecation was quite quick, only a matter of seconds
really. Impressive considering the bulk of the load. Feeling much
better, I clean myself and flush. And so my trial began. An Austrian
toilet is a strange thing. The water hole, which is normally located
in the center of the toilet bowl, is set forward a great deal. This
leaves a large expanse of porcelain in the middle. A veritable field
of white which acts as a platter for your stools, displaying both your
proud specimens and weak sickly shameful ones as well. Compounding
the problem is that this poop shelf is also slightly bowl shaped. This
being said, once I flushed my large bovine-esque pile of semi-solid
shite had not moved and yeah only became a bit wet. Perturbed, I try
to bulldoze it into the dookie precipice. I get none too far before I
began to heave at the sight of my own hand plowing a furrow through my
pile of butt-soil. I compose myself and wait for the reservoir to
fill up again in order to try another flush. This was no short time,
around 20 minutes. Finally, success. The small distance I managed to
push the muck was sufficient to send it hurtling to a watery oblivion.
But it left its mark on that toilet and on my very soul...

Bombs Away

2005-07-11T07:20:00.000-07:00

Airplane dumps are just rude, but that social mores go out the window when you really gotta go. I'd been awake for over 24 hours, and had been on a steady diet of these nasty BBQ breakfast wraps when I started prairie-doggin'.
The deed was quick and silent, but the stench...

Your Welcome, Ladies

2005-07-06T17:20:00.000-07:00

As bizarre as it sounds, my accomodations here in [foreign country] include coed bathrooms/showers. This provides me the opportunity to finally share the Gift of Butt-Stench with the female species, as well as the male species.
It's a strange feeling sitting in a stall, knowing that the poor fragile-minded girl in the stall next to you can hear/smell the filth flowing from your butthole. And let me tell you: I have taken some nasty dumps this week. I mean really nasty.
They say they want equal rights...

Output > Input

2005-06-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

I didn't have much to eat yesterday. Sometimes I simply forget to eat, and yesterday was such a day. I think I had a couple of Jack in the Box tacos (read: pig crap sandwiched between two greasy "tortillas") around lunch-time, and that was about it.
But miraculously, I took a hellacious dump this morning (and I mean hellacious). It defied laws of physics, chemistry, and gastrology all at the same time!
Medical experts from around the world are baffled.
[NOTE: posts will be sporadic for the next several days (until about 07/11), so just surf the 'net for porn and quit whining]

Finally, An Audience

2005-06-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I visited a certain aerospace engineering facility where it was required that - for security reasons - I have an escort with me at all times. I'm sure you can see where this is headed...
Just before lunch, I felt the need to take a massive dump, and when I informed my hosts of this, they sent an unsuspecting worker to escort me.
Poor bastard.
Fortunately for him, he wasn't required to actually be in the stall with me, but I'm sure the noises that he heard painted a vivid enough portrait for him. It was nasty, and I was having a hard time maintaining my composure...possibly one of the funniest moments of my life.
I considered making some comment to him after I exited the stall, like: "Man, was that brutal" or "Sorry about that...be sure to avoid that Chinese place off Berry Street", but the look of horror on his face after I opened the stall door indicated to me that it was probably best not to remind him of what he had just witnessed.
I hope he doesn't need any counseling...

The Wrath Of The 'Big Bite'

2005-06-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

Up until about an hour ago, I hadn't crapped all morning. But after eating one of 7-11's 1/4-pound 'Big Bite' hotdogs, everything changed. That sucker must've pushed all of yesterday's frozen pizzas on through, 'cause it wasn't more than two minutes later that I had to go. And when I say that I 'had to go', I mean that I had to go.
They should try marketing those things as laxatives (along with their taquitos).

What's Crappening?

2005-06-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

Not much.
The last few days have been pretty uneventful. There was the explosive diarrhea on Wednesday, and a few chunky dumps on Thursday, but nothing too out-of-the-ordinary.
Hopefully this weekend will be the source of a few sordid tales.

I Should've Just Got A C-Section

2005-06-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

This morning's dump came out sideways.
It hurt.
Bad.
I think there might have even been some blood in there. I didn't really eat a whole lot yesterday, so I was kind of surprised by its girth.
I'm still recovering...

Mud Baby Abortion

2005-06-09T09:58:00.000-07:00

Wow.
I had to use a coat hanger to pry this sucker out. While I'm traditionally a quick dooker, this morning's adventure took a solid 20 minutes. When I finally emerged from the bathroom, my forehead was moist with sweat and I was a full 15 pounds lighter.
I honestly don't know how I managed to flush this guy. You think I'm kidding...

First Round K.O.

2005-06-07T07:42:00.000-07:00

As anyone who reads this blog regularly knows, it usually takes 3 or 4 trips to the crapper before I'm done for the morning. But this morning was different: I took a single, fat, foot-long dump, and haven't felt the urge to take the Browns to the Super Bowl since.
Seriously - this guy was one chunky monkey...
I just don't know what to do with all of my new-found free time.

It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over

2005-06-03T09:14:00.000-07:00

I thought that the gigantoid dump that woke me up this morning was the end of it, but evidently it was just the "plug". I went back to bed, and tried to go back to sleep, but something was wrong...
Ten minutes later, the flood of liquid poo was unleashed in what could best be described as a gut-wrenching Shakespearean tragedy (a single tear fell from my cheek at the end).
I'm just glad this little "episode" didn't happen at work.

Post-Memorial Day Trauma

2005-05-31T11:39:00.000-07:00

I've been crapping out remnants of the Memorial Day festivities all morning now.
Three dumps at home. One here at work.
None of 'em are too messy, but they're still a bit nastier than my weekday poo.

The Moby Dick of Dumps

2005-05-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

Arrrrgggghhhh, matey. Ye best stay clear of yonder crapper for a fortnight or two, 'cause I let loose a beast that would shiver even Moby Dick's timbers in there. When I set this ship ahoy into the high seas of Ye Olde Commode, she made a splash that licked at me buttocks. I still haven't the foggiest idea what I ate that would give rise to such a horrific dumpening.
Maybe it had something to do with Dollar Hot Dog Night at the ballpark...

The Scariest Moment

2005-05-24T08:22:00.000-07:00

Sunday afternoon, I experienced one of the scariest moments of my life (this is not the first time something like this has happened...or the eightieth).
I was chillin' at the casa, when I decided that it'd been awhile since I'd had a good fart. So naturally, I let 'er rip, only to feel a warm sensation...a little too warm of a sensation.
I immediately dashed to the bathroom to check my britches (there's no room for mistakes with white boxers). To my surprise, all was well, but never again will I force a fart.
Especially after a week of eating all-you-can-eat Mexican food.

A Big Mistake

2005-05-19T10:03:00.000-07:00

At this moment, I have issues. Serious issues.
About thirty minutes ago, I happened upon an eatery ("eatery" sounds so sophisticated) that allows customers to build their own burritos.
Being a sane man, I realized that this was the opportunity of a lifetime. So I began to construct the most massive burrito known to man: three tortillas (~ 10 in. diameter), about a pound of ground beef, half a pound of cheese, and some hot sauce (I'm a simple man with simple tastes).
This thing was so massive, that it warped space.
Naturally I didn't finish this beast, but I gave it the ol' college try, and now - thirty minutes later - I'm suffering the consequences.
I expect the resulting dump to be legendary.
I'll keep you posted.

Without Further A-Doo...

2005-05-16T09:35:00.000-07:00

This morning, I was awakened by the pressure. The pressure of an extremely large chunk of dook trying to make its way out of my bowels. I headed to the bathroom, and quickly blasted out the chubby li'l guy.
Game over, right?
Wrong.
Thirty minutes later, I realized that that "chubby li'l guy" was a cork, and it had been preventing gallons upon gallons of liquid filth from flowing from my butthole.
Needless to say, everyone at work has been using the bathroom upstairs to avoid the stench...

Oops! I Did It Again

2005-05-12T08:39:00.000-07:00

It's only 11:00 a.m. right now, but I'm currently on pace to shatter Saturday's seven-dump record.
The odd thing is: I didn't eat all that much yesterday. But so far, I've taken four respectable craps this morning. Unlike Saturday's debacle, however, all of these dumps are of consistent consistency (?).
I'm gonna be sure to chow down on a big lunch (brunch, maybe) in order to help my chances of besting my personal best (that doesn't sound quite as bad as "consistent consistency").
I'll keep ye posted.

OH. MY. GOD.

2005-05-09T11:13:00.000-07:00

Saturday, I took no less than 7 dumps, and I'm not talking about a bunch of mini-dumps, I'm talking about "is-the-toilet-gonna-flush-with-that-gargantuan-turd-in-there?" dumps.
Seven - count 'em, seven - times I ventured into the bathroom (at various places...some public, some private) to give tithe to The Porcelain Goddess.
Every imaginable texture, every imaginable size, every imaginable color...
I don't know exactly what brought it on; was it the tacos for lunch, the two steaks for dinner, or the late-night snack of chicken-fried steak, french fries, and fried okra?
Who knows. It was probably a combination of "all of the above".
Dy-no-mite.

Nothin' Much Happenin'

2005-05-05T10:18:00.000-07:00

A few poo-pebbles, but that's about it.
The last two days haven't produced very interesting bowel movements, but I'm hoping for a come-back weekend...

I Think There Were Some Organs In There...

2005-05-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

I crapped my innards out this morning; a four-round poopfest that ended when I was just too exhausted to continue.
There's more to come, but I need to recover before venturing back to the Porcelain Goddess.
Seriously - it was traumatic...

Dooktastic Splatter-Fest

2005-04-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

It is best described as a fine mist.
The inside of the toilet bowl was covered in poo, and the smell of butt will haunt the second stall from the entrance (here at work) for days.
I don't know exactly what brought this on, but it was a horrendous ordeal, and I'm still a little shaken up.
Yowza.

Crapping My Brains Out (Day 3)

2005-04-26T07:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend I ate an inordinate amount of food. And as Newton's 4th Law of Motion states: what goes in, must come out (i.e. [large quantities of deliciousness] = [clogged toilets]).
The first Monster Dook took place Sunday morning, and it was followed by 48 hours of hellacious dumps punctuated by The Squirts.
I'm just glad that I can finally button my pants again.
[For those of you wondering: The Mud-Butt Experiment lasted for 6 and 1/2 days.]

The Mud-Butt Experiment: Day 5

2005-04-19T07:37:00.000-07:00

My roommate is a fat, lazy bastard.
When we ran out of toilet paper last week, I knew that he wouldn't be the one to go out and buy some more. Fortunately, I have a secret emergency stash, so I'm covered. But I thought that it would be interesting to see how long this poor schmuck could go before he decided that it was time to waddle on down to the grocery store and buy something to wipe his butt with.
I didn't think he'd be able to go this long, but so far it's been 5 days.
Talk about skid marks...
I'll keep y'all updated.

Touche, My Anonymous Friend (Part 2)

2005-04-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

Earlier this morning, I was making poo for you to read about, when I heard the door to the restroom slam open and the sound of feet running toward the stall next to mine.
The events/sounds that followed permanently scarred my fragile psyche.
There was much thrashing and grunting, and I was wondering if some guy might be wrestling an orangutan in the next stall, instead of doin' the doo.
Then I heard a sound that can only be described as the sound that Noah must have heard just as The Flood began.
I got goosebumps.
Then I heard the stall door open and my anonymous friend exited the bathroom.
No flush. No wipe. No washing of the hands.
I sat on the toilet for a few more seconds, shivering.
The whole thing lasted less than 10 seconds, but I knew that I would never be the same. I got up, wiped, and flushed my now-feminine-seeming crap down the toilet.
I didn't dare check the stall next to me. Some things are best left a mystery...

Poo-On-Butt Action!

2005-04-12T11:19:00.000-07:00

This weekend I took a magnificent dump in a toilet that had been clogged by someone else (seriously, it wasn't me). I thought that I had enough clearance between the water and my butt cheeks, but I thought wrong.
I made the mistake of underestimating the size of the log that I was about to deposit into the commode, and ended up with a "floater" (as we call 'em in the biz) tickling my pasty white cheeks.
Not a comfortable feeling.
But now I know, and knowing is half the battle.

12 Seconds And Counting...

2005-04-07T09:49:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week Mt. St. Timmy erupted in a truly vulgar display of awesomeness.
I was just hangin' around my parents house when suddenly my stomach made a very loud, strange noise.
And that was when I knew that I had about 10 or 15 seconds 'til blast off (fortunately I had my running shoes on).
I sprinted to the bathroom (unbuckling my belt as I ran), and made it onto the commode about 1/30th of a second before all hell broke loose (and I'm not speaking figuratively). There was grunting, splashing, crying, and a whole other assortment of noises that could be heard coming from the crapper...
What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...

Mount St. Timmy Is About To Erupt!

2005-04-04T11:40:00.000-07:00

All day my bowels have been making funky noises (think Bootsy Collins) and scientists predict that my butt is gonna erupt any minute now.
This mornings paltry dump (if you could even call it that) wasn't very convincing (considering yesterday's caloric intake), so tomorrow's post should be very entertaining.
Stay tuned.

Pooping My Brains Out

2005-03-30T07:38:00.000-08:00

This morning, I swear I almost pooped myself inside-out.
I just couldn't stop crapping.
The whole thing lasted only about 3 minutes, but it was three minutes of non-stop butt-puking.
I'm at least 5 pounds lighter.
...wasn't the texture that I wold have preferred, but I'm just glad to have the filth out of my intestines.

Super Dump(s)!

2005-03-24T09:38:00.001-08:00

Six.
That's the number of times that I took a dump yesterday.
You must be thinking:"Well those couldn't have been very impressive." But you're wrong. Dead wrong.
Usually I take a couple of craps in the morning, and I'm done for the day. But yesterday was different (and how...). Six - count 'em, six - awesome, breath-taking dumps.
I slept like a baby last night...

A New Record

2005-03-21T09:45:00.000-08:00

My a.m. dump came a little late this morning, but - boy! - was it worth the wait!!!
Seriously - at least two feet long.
I'm still recovering...

BBQ Poo

2005-03-15T12:55:00.000-08:00

The key ingredient in the manufacturng process of an ultra-stinky dump is lots and lots of BBQ.
Yesterday, I almost ate my weight in the stuff, and today I've been producing some of the worst-smelling dumps known to man. I've also been leaving a trail of fart molecules where ever I go.
This stuff isn't for the faint of heart...

A Plot Twist I Didn't Expect

2005-03-07T07:27:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend (in a public restroom) I was taking a dump and thought everything was pretty much over when I started to reach for a wad of toilet paper. As I reached over, my butt was like: "Not so fast, dude!" and a large chunk of turd shot splashed into The Great Beyond.
Usually, I can see surprise endings coming from a mile away, but never in a million years did I see this one coming. There was just no foreshadowing.
From now on, I'm not going to take for granted that my butt's done puking...

Kerplunk.

2005-03-03T11:15:00.000-08:00

That's all I heard as The Rocket Turd exploded out of my butt this morning.
Fast, clean, and massive.
I took a few seconds to admire my work before I flushed the big guy.
Like a thief in the night...

I Crapped Out A Chocolate Bunny

2005-02-28T10:10:00.000-08:00

Even though Easter's still a few weeks away, nobody is going to accuse ol' Timmy of sleeping on the job.
This morning I sat down for Round 1 of the morning dump sessions, and produced a chunk of turd that easily could pass for one of those chocolate Easter bunnies that they sell around Easter time.
I seriously considered taking a photograph, but I didn't have a camera handy, and I wasn't sure how the guy that develops the film down at Eckerd's would react when he realized that someone was taking pictures of their bowel movements.
I guess my work of genius will have to remain undiscovered...

Ready For Round 3

2005-02-24T11:33:00.000-08:00

Before going to bed last night, my stomach was a-rumblin', and when I woke up it was still making some really weird noises. So when I went to the crapper to unleash the remains of a chicken-fried steak dinner, I was expecting something bad, but not this bad.
A thick layer of oily crap-residue floated on top of the water, hinting at the filth that was hidden below.
A couple of hours later, the bell rang and round 2 began.
Same story, but this time in a stall at work.
Round 3 can't be far...

I Need A Liquid-Plumr Enema

2005-02-22T06:53:00.000-08:00

Nothing.
That's what's been going on in the crapper for the last couple of days.
A little pebble here, a small splash there, but nothing to speak of. I've never been one to employ laxatives (unless you count Taco Casa's burritos), but lately I've been thinking about entering the dark world of poo-inducers.
It seems so 'Hollywood', though...
I'll probably just stick to burritos.

Prarie Doggin'

2005-02-17T09:43:00.000-08:00

I don't even remember what film this post title is from, but it perfectly describes how I've felt every morning this week when I woke up.
I can actually feel the little guys tryin' to push their way out.
It's so much easier to get out of bed in the morning when you need to take the Browns to the Super Bowl.

Like Sand Through an Hourglass...

2005-02-15T10:27:00.000-08:00

Have you ever popped out a dump that was sand-like in consistency?
I used to do it all the time, but I hadn't in a while until this morning. When I got up to admire my work, all I saw was a pile of silt-like crap at the bottom of the bowl.
I studied it for a while before gagging.
The stench was powerful enough to peel off some of the wallpaper in the crapper.

The Master Blaster Returns!!!

2005-02-09T10:41:00.000-08:00

Whew! Was that an adventure or what!?!
One squat. One and a half seconds. One awesome dump.
A Master Blaster is always reason for celebration. They come with the fury of a volcanic eruption and leave a path destruction in their wake.
Unfortunately, due to the fact that this particular Blaster came while at I was at home, I was unable to share it with my coworkers. It's a shame, 'cause they could really use a morale-booster...

Pasta Poo

2005-02-07T09:54:00.000-08:00

I ate a lot of pasta yesterday afternoon. A lot of pasta.
The weird thing about pasta is this: although it makes you feel really full, the dump that results the next morning isn't nearly as impressive as you might think.
I've only taken one dump this morning, and it was 1/4-pounder in my crapper at home that left me feeling disappointed.
Mexican food's really your best bet, if you want to impress the people at work by forgetting to flush.

El Scorcho (Part Deux-Deux)

2005-02-03T11:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I decided to dine at a fine establishment near my work that serves Mexican food. I noticed that you can order your food either "reg'lar" or "habanero style". Being the owner of testicles that I am, I marched up to the counter and ordered two "habanero style" tacos.
Big mistake.
First of all, the first bite made me cry. And crying in public is no small faux pas.
Secondly, my butt was scorched by my the end-results (get it!?!) of my misadventures this morning.
I swear I could smell burning (butt) hair as I sat there sobbing (again) on The Throne. It wasn't much of a dump (in size), but it isn't a crap I'll forget anytime soon.
Like a moth to the flame...

The Dook of Pearl

2005-02-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

Dook, Dook, Dook
Dook of Pearl, Pearl, Pearl
I recently took a venture into the world of cheap domestics, and I've been paying for it ever since. Nothing but nasty, nasty sludge.
Dehydration can only be partly responsible for this truly grotesque dump. I have a feeling The Powers That Be have made sure that the destitute masses' bowels are subjected to the brutal brew that is Pearl in order to keep us down.
Fight the Man (after fighting the Squirts).

Nothing Too Great

2005-01-27T10:36:00.000-08:00

I don't really have anything super awesome to report. I've just been spittin' out reg'lar ol' poo lately. This morning I took my usual dump at home and then another in my usual stall at work.
This weekend, however, I'll be hittin' up a local Mexican restaurant with an all-you-can-eat buffet. "All-you-can-eat Mexican buffet" is Texas-speak for "Imminent Dooktacular Splatterfest", so there's sure to be good times ahead...

The P.M. B.M.

2005-01-25T08:19:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been taking a whole lot of nighttime dumps. I've always been pretty regular (see "Broken Record"), but now it seems as if the p.m. dump is here to stay.
Most of the recent p.m. logs seem to be of a much heartier texture than their a.m. counterparts (more dense, as well).
Last night I took a nice medium-sized crap before bed, but still managed to give birth to an enormous chunk of turd this morning anyway.
As always, I'll keep you posted.

Puking Out of Both Ends

2005-01-21T08:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I fell ill.
I sat on The Throne for half an hour puking out of both ends.
I filled up the toilet and the trash can at the same time.
...still don't feel well.
Liquid Lightning.

Broken Record

2005-01-18T08:24:00.000-08:00

For the last three days the story has been the same: wake up, take a nice solid fat dump, go to work, make a mad dash for the bathroom to fire off a few rounds from my butt cannon.
Am I really that regular?
And if so, why is round 2 always so much more liquid-like?
We'll see what happens tomorrow...

Captain's Log

2005-01-13T08:20:00.000-08:00

Ahoy, matees!
I unleashed a fine log into the High Seas earlier this morn'. She be nearly half-a-cubit in length, and she hath the girth of Moby Dick's ding-a-ling.
Ye best stay out of the bathroom f'r awhile....
On the morrow I shall dare to venture once again into the belly of the beast that be my crapper.
Arrrggghhh!

Liquid Fire

2005-01-10T08:54:00.000-08:00

Absolutely none of this morning's dump could be classified as a solid. Pure liquid. Pure fire.
Three seperate sittings: one at home, and two in my (2nd) favorite stall at work.
I could have just used a urinal.
I have no idea what could have possibly brought on such a horrific bowel movement.

Choo! Choo!

2005-01-05T07:47:00.000-08:00

The train sped along its course, unaware of what lay in store for it.
Almost two feet in length and carrying a full load, the black locomotive was heading straight to its watery grave. The splash that was made during the collision could be heard for miles around (some feared that it could be a tragic second tsunami).
But only one witness was there to watch the long, black train slowly sink below the water, before disappearing into The Great Beyond.
[This morning...at work...in my favorite stall]

The Mountain

2005-01-03T08:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the texture and consistency of my dumpage allows for mountain-making. This morning was one of those times.
No floaters, just a four-inch high pile of filth at the bottom of the bowl.
It was truly excellent.